23 years is a long time. Its nearly a quarter of a century. Its a long time. So it is kind of scary when after twenty three years you dont know where you are headed.I have absolutely no idea. Sometimes I panick about life escaping through my fingers like the sands of time. I am scared that life will pass by and I wont be able to climb on fast… that I’ll be left alone on a cold, old station with all my baggage, staring at an empty track, knowing with absolute certainity that I missed the last train, the only train. But then I am scared that I might actually get on the train and end up getting pushed, punched, and kicked..that I might end up getting lost in the crowd.
I am scared that I might find all the answers. I am scared that I might not.
I am scared of relationships. There, I said it. Life is okay as long as it’s not about others. Sadly, it is always about others. Parents, siblings, friends, lovers, teachers, aquaintances. How lovely would it be to live for yourself, I wonder. How profoundly satisfying would it be to dance in the rain in the middle of a busy highway…without the fear of getting hit? Without the fear of getting branded..without the fear of being called “crazy”. How lovely would it be to do things for no reason except that you feel like it.
I am scared of expectations. I m scared of making people unhappy…or making myself happy. When I am too content, I risk upsetting the “OTHER”. So I practice restraint. I am never too happy. I live doing things that are expected. I mould myself in the traditional cone kept ready for me so that I come out in the exact shape and size envisaged for me. I rarely smile when I m happy. I smile when I want to pretend that I am happy. I think that’s perfectly normal.
I am scared of commitment. Nothing is as flickering as a man’s nature. I am scared of promises. I am scared of Dreams. I am scared of “happily ever after”.. that I will someday, for sure, find out that it does not exist..that someday the myth will be destroyed. Someday I wil have to face the truth that the greek masters were right..that we are condemned to lose ..we are condemned to live. No matter how we fight we will lose in the hands of fate.. and that’s a mathematical certainity.
I am scared. I am scared of Fear. The black hole of Fear in my life keeps expanding and engulfing everything around me. I am scared that one day it will engulf me too and all that would be left of me, would be those tiny fragments of unlived fantasies, unexplored dreams, and the Unsaid.
I am too damn scared to Live.