I am unwell today. I have caught cold and have fever. I already was tired of the mental trauma i was goin through days and now that has been accoupled with this.On top of it all I have exams tomorrow..a presentation to make and a test to write. Now, it is impossible to concentrate and actually prepare anything. From Monday we have our end semesters which is like very important because that decide your final records in the degree. Now, normally i dont worry too much about these things, but in a state like this, where i m suffering from the lowest self esteem that can be imagined, the prospect of low grades aggravate me. THis is the only area where I am left with a certain feeling of self worth and if I screw this too then automatically my hypothesis to myself is proved..that i actually am a no good.
And to battle with that feeling..oh my god..thats one battle! Ask Me.
I dont know if I have deliberately hurt anyone in my life. I dont think so. .I mean unless you count a certain classmate in the middle school who was the favorite goat of my effervescent group back then. We made a lot of fun of her. But even that was without malice, and for God’s sake, i was a kid.
And then there was this guy, my best friend for like an year or something who knew me inside out and everything, who now hates me and keeps blaming me for all the changes in his life like his lost sensitivity to people. Strangely, he has never been able to explain it to me that what exactly i did to him. He hates me to such an extent today that even when we get back together from time to time, as two people who knew each other as good as one family, stay nostalgic to that lost paradise and keep coming back in vain hopes, he keeps breaking things all over again for no reason at all. He gets suspicious and insecure and god know what even when i am completely clueless about whats bothering him..and lets out such strong venom against me that i actually have to believe that I must have been a monster to him at some time.
Its strange. I lost his trust when i never actually had promised him anything.
Once upon a time, He did care a lot about me.I mean it was like you read in books. He would get sad seeing me sad. He would get happy in making me happy. He was like my wishmaster. He would grant me any wish. I could count on him for anything. He was like this close ally which i never had. I mean he was family. I was myself with him.
A lot of people would try to lebel things. Everyone would tell me that I am blind not to decipher that he was in love with me. I would never let those thought even enter my mind. Because only i knew and he knew what it was about. It was so platonic..that we could sleep together on the same bed like brothers and sisters.I was attached to him in my own way. I would run to him in all my troubles knowing he would help me..give me the support i need. He would understand without my saying. He was ALWAYS there. But it was not people thought. We were so close that i knew his innermost feelings. He didnt even have to tell me.And one thing I know for sure till today. He was never in love with me..not that way…
Maybe I was selfish with him. I sometimes, try to analyse where things went wrong. What did i actually do wrong? So i think i was selfish with him. I behaved like a kid with his parents or something. I took him for granted. But i never cared for him less. If he would have ever needed me I would always have been there..leaving everything. It was not my fault that I was not that sensitive to him as he was. But I cared to my highest extent.
Then there was the issue when things actually started falling apart. He started acting too vulnerable. I have never told anyone my side of the story and since its highly unlikely that anyone who knew us both would ever read this, I will.
For me, There was a point when it got a little furthur than my comfort. I mean this whole relationship was about being so comfortable with each other so there was no point getting it awkward. I remember when i was leaving for my sister’s place and would have been gone away for more than a month from campus, he innocently told me that he would miss seeing my face everyday. It was tough to imagine not seeing me for one day…and he could not bear not seeing me for so many days. He was innocent. There was nothing in it. But It scared me..and it got me awkward. After that things started changing. He was too vulnerable to everything I did or said. Most of the times i wouldn’t even know what hurt him. And I started getting uncomfortable. And I tried to start maintaining distance. I knew it was wrong. But I had no choice. And when He realised that..that I was trying to move away a litle.. that hurt him. That hurt him bad,his ego and his feelings. He was right. I would have done the same thing. And then he got down to dumps.. and I became his enemy. Because from where he saw it.. i decieved him. But I never promised him anything. I was his best friend. He was mine. i couldnt have ruined that perfect comfort by pretending not to notice that things were getting awkward. And things broke from there. A perfect relationship finished.